Mental Wellness

So I recently saw my appointed provider and requested a referral to a therapist. I complained of feeling very irritable, sometimes too unmotivated to clean the dishes or mop, general feelings of depression with varying moments of wellness. But my husband is deploying in a month and with my family history of bipolar disorder, I don't want to take any chances. I've been seeking spiritual healing for going on 4 years now, but I'm still short tempered with my daughter. I just don't feel like giving up coffee or wine or researching supplements and herbs, let alone all of the above.

A phone call to a National Alliance for Mental Illness representative initiated the thought that I could benefit from taking an antidepressant. I thought, this will be one step towards wellness. In seeing my doctor for a different referral she asked if I was having any other pain. I told her I could use some therapy. She told me that therapy doesn't work. Studies have shown that years of counseling has just been a waste of time for everyone!

I'm thinking, all of the research on bipolar disorder that I've done says that Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is the cutting edge of treatment for mental illness. But I'm having a moment of humility, so I agree to try an antidepressant first for a few weeks and return for a follow-up then. But I have to wait a day because I need to take it with food during the day or it will cause insomnia. And I'm thinking, okay insomnia isn't too bad in the daytime, right? And she said it could also cause dry mouth (been there before--not so bad), and something else benign that escapes me now. But really, I'm torn over this.

Taking an antidepressant is like admitting to failure as a spiritual seeker, right? My spirit guide, the Holy Spirit, says that antidepressants can be helpful in acute cases of depression. But that I would also need to look at nutrition, therapy, finding support with the kids, herbs and exercise. And then I think of the story about a man stranded at sea who prays for help only to decline the boat and helicopter that offer to take him to shore because he's waiting for "God" to help. In heaven he asks God why He didn't come and God says, "I sent a boat and a helicopter!" Right? The antidepressant could be the answer to my prayers for happiness....

Well, that's all fine and dandy until I can't sleep this morning and I wake up and start reading blogs about side effects of my prescriped Effexor XR. Some people were feeling HOMOCIDAL!! Okay! Homocidal tendencies would NOT be an improvement on my current state of occasional laziness. Once again, HS is right.

But you know, just saying to myself, they are there if I need them, has been so relieving. I'm so happy right now because my house is clean (for the babysitter I hired to watch the kids so Moez and I could attend a deployment preparation briefing) and I've decided my happiness is a priority, worth letting go of previously held notions that allopathic medicine is all BAD. It's not, it's GOOD for acute emergancies. Just the belief that something was evil was holding my energy down, wow! There's blog induced insight for ya.

So, instead of letting the government pay for my Effexor, I'm going to fork out the $$$ for some dried lemon balm and chai (coffee replacement). I'm getting on Post to find a cognitive behavioral therapist (which, by the way, was offered at the briefing) to help me with stress management. I'm prioritizing daily walks and paid babysitters!! Alelluja!